Forgiveness isn't an easy thing to do, but it's the most powerful thing you will ever do. It takes unconditional love to forgive. It takes really letting go of negative and harbored pain that has held you captive. I say captive because you can't tap into your higher self, your spiritual self, until you release the things that keep you from it. I feel often we hurt from pain or past traumas, but we fear releasing it because we attached ourselves to it because we (in some weird way) felt we needed it or that the anger or resentment would make us better. It doesn't and honestly, it makes us worse. It makes us bitter and we become negative and just toxic.
Forgiveness gives us our power back. It gives us a new start, it puts us on a path to healing which in turn transforms our lives for the greater good. There is no need for us to seek revenge or seek the same pain on others they have caused us, but it's important we give ourselves something powerfully amazing and that's freedom. Freedom to live a happy life and to self discover so that we may empower and inspire others to do the same. I am very happy I chose forgiveness. I am not going to sit here and say I didn't overall have a childhood filled with fun and loving memories, but there was a deeper and more traumatic side to it as well. In order for me to heal, I had to face the truths and stand in it until I felt it so real and I let it go. I no longer wanted it to be the head of my life. I no longer wanted it to keep me from being better, healthier, happy and the light needed to help enhance the world. So, I knew that I had to face it, feel it and release it all with love.
Releasing it all and deciding to forgive the pain of what trapped me for so many years, has spiritually elevated me. I didn't know how much of a burden unforgiveness was until I let it go. I didn't know that so many parts of my life were affected by this poison until I started to dig deeper until I reached a point of allowing all of those suppressed memories and the pain to come back up. I, like so many of you was killing myself slowly internally. Forgiveness wasn't just about forgiving my past, but it most importantly about forgiving myself. I had to start loving myself and letting go of beliefs that had subconsciously haunted me for so many years. Beliefs that were not even true. But because I had allowed traumatic events from my past to take over, I believed the pain. Not only did I attract more pain and trauma in my life from other things and people, but it was hard for me to believe in anything authentically. The shit was hard and it was excruciating living damn near most of my life like that.
I wasn't the type to really open up to a lot of people, so when I did open up I felt some type of closeness to you or security, but then I found many people were just as broken and they couldn't really be there for me in a genuine way which caused me to have trust issues. I'm getting real and deep with ya'll because that hold of not forgiving sticks and it does impact every area of your life and if you don't ever let it go....your life experiences get tougher and toxic. I decided to dig so deep until I got to the root of my trauma. A few days ago (October 15, 2018) I did something I been needing to do all of these years. I decided to release the hurt from my past with my mother and genuinely forgive her for myself. I seen a lot of abuse growing up and I didn't have that emotional attachment many daughters have with their mothers. Although, she did the very best she could and in so many ways gave me good experiences and things, it was that hurtful and painful trauma from watching her get physically, emotionally and verbally hurt often by men. It was also very painful when I decided to come out as a Lesbian. She didn't support or acknowledge it and for years she prayed for me to be different instead of seeing me as her child and just loving me unconditionally. We never had a healthy relationship. It was all very surfaced.
But as I pulled up that root, my spirit told me, that my mother couldn't really give me what she didn't have and that her pains are still haunting her. I was like damn that was deep and I cried like a baby. I decided to write her a 3 page letter and send it to her via email. My father was killed when I was 2 years old. I, at times felt like I was alone. I just wanted to understand why my life had to be like this. Once I decided to heal, it all came to me. I knew I was here on this earth for a reason and that my purpose was bigger than me. When I pushed the send button, I felt a heavy weight lift. I felt so light and just exhausted. It was a good exhaustion though. I needed that shit! I love my mother for giving life to me and I do know that a lot of the good qualities I have, I got from her. I can't say she was an overall bad mother because she took care of us and did the very best she could, but I had to get real about the pain I endured. I can now move on and continue to self discover through. I am not responsible for her healing, but I am responsible for mine and I've decided to break that generational curse by healing and facing things that have always been swept under the rug. I have decided to be exactly who I am and not be afraid to speak the truth through my voice, but most importantly I've decided to heal, forgive, and love myself!
​That, I know for sure (as my girl Oprah would say) was the best thing I could have done for myself.
I love ya'll and I truly pray this helps someone who is battling with unforgiveness! It's time to FLY!!!
You and Happiness Belong Together...Muah!
Dee'Tox
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