Yea...I said it. It's true. It sucks man. It sucks to have to be so deep in your own pain to where you feel completely alone. You feel as though no one understands you or ever will so you suffer. Silently. Ashamed. Wallowing in your own pity. Oh, yea I can go there because that was once me. I didn't realize it was me though until I started loving myself. Let's dive deeper...
Can I first express before you read this blog post, that YOU MATTER. The fact that you are aligned here reading this energy and allowing yourself to feel means you are a LIFE FORCE and your LIFE MATTERS!
Ellen & Twitch (May Twitch Rest Peacefully in his Soul) 2022
It really is painful to believe that you don't serve a purpose, that your life is meaningless. That shit is next level fucked up. I thought from experience it would be easier for me to distract myself with chasing accolades, approvals, and money that those things would keep me from having to deal with the real deep and heavy shit I didn't want to face. I thought that if I could keep grinding, keep amassing all of this success, I would reach a top tier level of happiness and peace.
That's really what I thought. No matter how tired I was, I was grinding, no matter if I ate or not, I was grinding. I just wanted to be seen as successful and then maybe people would accept or see me. I'm fucking keeping it real because that's who I am now. I speak my truth because somebody heavy on the relating. I wasn't always physically or emotionally well neither. All of these fucked up thoughts ruminate through your mind over and over and you spend your entire day battling them.
At least that's what was going on with me. I remember back in 2009, when my suicidal attempt failed. I followed my intuition and started looking for the help I needed. I was tired and for me to get that low in my soul, I knew this wasn't a normal behavior.
If it wasn't for therapy, I am not sure I would have won the suicide battle. It wasn't the easiest thing to do as I had to go back to places in my mind that I didn't feel safe going to. I had to acknowledge those childhood experiences that didn't feel good. I had to most importantly connect with that little wounded girl within me. It was a must! I kept going to therapy even when uncomfortable because in some weird way it was giving me the space and courage to speak my truth. My real, hidden truth.
Overtime, you find that you get your voice back. This helped me overcome those thoughts as I began to speak more love and empowerment to myself. I'd always done the opposite. It was more hate and disgust, no wonder I didn't feel I deserved to be here. This is why SUICIDE SUCKS!